Posted in About Me, Bible, Feelings

When You Just Want To Be A Part Of

I do not take credit for this picture

We all long to be a part of something or someone. Being looked as at equal fills the heart. To be part of hobbies, games, stories, conversions, helps everyone feel a part of something. We have area’s that we love more than others. We turn to others to help push through the area’s we don’t like. Fitting in can be very hard for some, and for other’s, it comes naturally. When things are harder on others, feeling natural is 100 percent harder for them. The more that people work at trying to fit in will only make them push farther away. I’ve seen this happened, when? I’ve done this, I’ve worked hard at being a part of something and only find that I push myself away. I don’t like to play the status game. The status game is belittling.
The world has created this. Either your shoe fits the world. Sorry about your luck if it doesn’t. You’ll be placed in the box and shoved to the back of the closet. Out of sight out of mind as I have heard it.
It’s hard to sit back and watch this happened to so many others in the world and families. You to speak out, but you also don’t want to be that shoe in the back of the closet. Just like the tongue on our shoe that has been laced down into place, our tongues must be done the same in our mouths. We have to watch what we say, when we say it and how we say it. Again I learn this when I was much younger. I have carried this through my whole life and continue to do so today.
I’ve been trying to sort feelings and words out. I’ve found it’s like fighting a wind chime that is tangled together into knots. Untangling these words wear me out. I feel like that wind chime in the wind being beat around and bounced off one another, beaten and bruised. I continue to work at untangling the words.

But what does the Bible say:


Ecclesiastes 12:11-14
A wise teacher’s words spur students to action and emphasize important truth. The collected saying of the wise are like guidance from a shepherd. But, my child, be warned: There is no end of opinions ready to be expressed. Studying them can go on forever and become very exhausting! Here is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is the duty of every person. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.
We all struggle with words, relationships, groups, activities, being a part of, but it’s easier for some and harder for others.

Proverbs 10:17
People who accept correction are on the pathway to life, but those who ignore it will lead others astray.

Proverbs 10:32
The godly speak words that are helpful, but the wicked speak only what is corrupt.

Why do we feel cheated when we aren’t included? Why do we fill our emptiness with more emptiness? Why do we want to be a part? Is it because we’ve felt this all our lives? Is it that we don’t trust, or don’t know where we fit in? Or is it that we aren’t excepted, or welcome to be a part? Is that we not trusted? Or are we looked as not worthy?

Proverbs 11:1
The Lord hates cheating, but he delights in honesty.

Proverbs 11: 12-13
It is foolish to belittle a neighbor: a person with good sense remains silent.
A gossip goes around revealing secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.

1 John 3: 11
This is the message we have heard from the beginning: We should love one another.

I’ve been struggling with words for the last few months. I have some I want to speak and some I’d rather hold inside.

Resources:

https://www.tyndale.com/p/niv-life-application-study-bible-second-edition/9781414359755

For the picture

https://www.lds.org/youth/article/idea-list-including-everyone?lang=eng

Posted in About Me

Mother’s Day

A Mother’s Day Gift 20 years Ago

My Mother’s Day will be pretty much like all the others. The last Mother’s Day that our Son has been a part of was six years ago. My last Mother’s Day with him, I can remember so clearly, like looking through a piece of glass. It was like every other Mother’s Day. But I didn’t know this would be the last with him. I remember what he gave me, a plant and a Mother’s Day card, along with a hug and a kiss. Hugs from him were always tight. Sometime’s if he was in a silly mood you might get lifted off your feet. I think he enjoyed hearing me squeal. I love knowing his father had taught him to show affection and strength at the same time.

I remember a statement that was said to me. Flowers and a card were stupid for Mother’s Day. Every Mother’s Day I would receive flower for my flowerbeds, along with mulch. The four of us would work hard in the yard, moving the heavy dark mulch from each flowerbed. I looked forward to this day, sharing it with both our children and my husband. It was hard work but yet satisfying.

Our Son On His Wedding Day

Why was that My last Mother’s Day with our son? Month’s before he got married, there were lots of misunderstandings, and feelings hurt. The issue’s damaged the relationship with our son. We haven’t been able to rebuild that relationship with him and his family. I have prayed many of days that lead into years for healing. Six years later things I’m still without my son on Mother’s Day. We’ve sat down and talked hoping it would help, but it didn’t. All I can do now is pray more and pray that is wife cherishes Mother’s Day.

Me and My Mother over 3 years ago

Two years ago was my last Mother’s Day with my Mother. WHY? Not by my choice but my Mother’s. I had taken care of her for two years, to the best of my ability. I followed the Doctor’s orders given. Every day, I worked hard to make sure my mother had the things she needed to live as close to possible on her own. Checking her medicines, making sure she had taken a bath, dressed, fed, paying her bills on time, making doctor appointments, taking her to and from those appointments to taking her to the store. Not only this but taking her to see her sister, out to lunch or dinner, to see my daughter graduate from college, to let her be a grandmother to the little girl I babysat also.

Two years came along then the role of the caregiver to my mother had all changed. She and my sibling had been talking behind my back and had a plan to end all that. My Mother didn’t like the way I was caring for her. I was doing everything the Doctors said and doing it by myself. I had my plate full that was running over the edges. I had my own health issue’s, my home and husband, my daughter would get graduating from college, plus trying to keep my siblings informed of what was going on with our mother. The Doctor’s rules were no driving, no doing her finances herself, and no making appointments on her own.

She had had a stroke, and her memory is in the first stages of Alzheimer’s. One of my siblings didn’t want to accept the fact that our mother was not well. I live just five to six minutes from her, where my siblings live twenty to twenty-five minutes away. I had access to her home and knew all her doctor’s and medications she was on. I knew which hospital to take her to, had all the doctor forms and documents needed. Not that my siblings couldn’t have those documents too, I just hadn’t had a minute to print them off. When I had spoken to my siblings everything was fine.

September came, and things changed. The changes were going to be big. I didn’t have time to prepare for them or the outcome. But I was no longer going to take care of our mother. My sibling had agreed with our Mother that she could indeed do all the things the Doctors had order she couldn’t. We met at the lawyer’s office to find the final decision of my mother. I indeed was removed from her care. I was no longer allowed to visit or see her. She was able to decide this because she hadn’t had the four-hour testing to show us just what she could do for herself and how her memory was. I will say she was starting to gain small tasks to do for herself. Since there were no test results to show to the lawyer, there was nothing I could do. But do what she ordered.

It’s been two years now that I haven’t shared Mother’s Day with my Mother. I do send her cards and will call her and hope she answers. But I’m not to do those things, because that’s what she told the lawyer. There are times when she answers the phone. She will ask questions, what happened, she doesn’t remember, that she thinks I’m mad at her, that I don’t want anything to do with her. Mad wasn’t the word that I was feeling, more like numb. Mad is the feeling I have towards my sibling. Disbelieve is the word I have. To this day, I have not spoken to that sibling. I choose not to because it becomes a battle. A battle of who was right and who was not. One that I don’t want to be called a liar or not trusted nor heard.

My Daughter and Her Daddy My Husband

For this Mother’s Day, I will be celebrating with my Husband, Our Daughter and Our Soon To Son In Law. Will I be getting flowers for my flowerbeds? I would think so. For me, Flowers and Cards are perfect gifts. I won’t let that statement permanently be stamped in my mind how stupid they are. So I ask you to give your mother that silly gift for Mother’s Day the one that seems stupid to others.

The Soon To Be Married Couple
Me, My Daughter and My Mother Being Silly Like Always
Posted in About Me, Church

Family

What does family mean?
Using Google, Dictionary, Family
https://www.google.com/search?q=Dictionary#dobs=family

There are several different definitions for the word Family.
Here is my favorite definition for the word Family from the Google Dictionary site:
*”a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage.”

Easter 2019 Family

Why this one? I have family members who are blood-related to me. But I also have family members who are not blood-related to me. They are the ones who I’ve gained through my relationship with my husband of more than thirty years. They’ve taught me that life can be rough. When rough times interrupt in life, the family will be there to help you through.

My Husband’s Anniversary = Family

When the family has a set of parents who have been raised to help push through those hard times, it makes those times seem easy. My husband’s parents marriage is one that I will always cherish. His parents have kept this family together. They believe in us because we believe in them. And when you have people believing in you, you begin to believe in yourself.

1989 Our Wedding Day, with both set’s of my husband’s grandparents = Family

When using the website: https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/family/
The first line says for Foundation:
“The Bible is the world’s great teacher of monogamy–the union for life of one man and one woman in marriage as the basis of the family.”
This definition sum’s up my husband’s parent’s and grandparents.

As his parents are beginning to get up in age, and needing more help, it’s us the family they have built who will be the ones to help them. Just as our family will be going over a few bumping patches in the next few months, the family will be standing on a strong foundation. The foundation, that my husband parents, grandparents, siblings, children, in-laws, nieces, and nephews that have all helped build. We each are a part of the foundation in one way or another.

When using the website: https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/family/
The first line says for Foundation:
“The Bible is the world’s great teacher of monogamy–the union for life of one man and one woman in marriage as the basis of the family.”
This definition sum’s up my husband’s parent’s and grandparents.

When using the website: https://av1611.com/kjbp/kjv-dictionary/family.html
States the follwing: (Which I do not take credit for)
KJV Dictionary Definition: family
family
FAM’ILY, n. L. familia

1. The collective body of persons who live in one house and under one head or manager; a household, including parents, children and servants, and as the case may be, lodgers or boarders.

2. Those who descend from one common progenitor; a tribe or race; kindred; lineage. Thus the Israelites were a branch of the family of Abraham; and the descendants of Reuben, of Manasseh, &c., were called their families. The whole human race are the family of Adam, the human family.

3. Course of descent; genealogy; line of ancestors.

Go and complain thy family is young.

4. Honorable descent; noble or respectable stock. He is a man of family.

5. A collection or union of nations or states.

The states of Europe were, by the prevailing maxims of its policy, closely united in one family.

6. In popular language, an order, class or genus of animals or of other natural productions, having something in common, by which they are distinguished from others; as, quadrupeds constitute a family of animals, and we speak of the family or families of plants.


Definitions from Webster’s American Dictionary of the English Language, 1828.

As you can see from my picture’s I’ve shared, each person holds a piece in our relationship and foundation. WE thank each and everyone of you.

Websites:

https://www.google.com/search?q=Dictionary#dobs=family

https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/family/

https://av1611.com/kjbp/kjv-dictionary/family.html



Posted in About Me

Little Bean Was Born

Baby Bean

Two almost three years ago Little Bean was born. Little Bean was so tiny but yet filled a big hole in our hearts. We’ve been blessed to have close friends to share their child with us. Many years ago I babysat Little Bean’s mother and her siblings. Little Bean’s mother has shared with me many times how she looked at me as a mother figure. But, I’m not sure if Little Bean’s mother knew how much I looked at has my own. Little Bean’s mother was here a lot. She would stay the night, go to school from here, she was punished just like one of our own. Little Bean’s mother’s father was a single dad raising three children by himself. Two boys and then Little Bean’s mother. Little Bean’s mother and her siblings, graduated from school and all are doing great in life.

Rebecca and her Daddy

As life changes our stories do too, Little Bean’s mother went on to farther her education. Which a move had to take place, this move would help Little Bean’s mother grow as an adult, and learn to live on her own. As some of know, we never know when God has the plan for a little human to be created. And just that it did, Little Bean was created. With the creation of Little Bean, this meant another change would need to happen. Little Bean’s mother continued to work and take care of herself, and be the mother she always wanted to be. One who is strong, smart, beautiful, caring and continues to grow in so many ways. But yet, knew life would be hard, but she had a strong father who raised her. A father who had shown her times were hard, but you have to believe in yourself, push through those hard times, and never let someone tell you can’t do something.

Uncle Jon with Little Bean

It was time for Little Bean to meet the world outside her world that was in her mother’s belly. She had many names before she was born. Picking a name would be tricky. Her mother wanted her to named after her Great Grandmother Ann. She not only had names before she was born but lots of nicknames after she was born. Coda, Cocoa Bean, Bean, D, Baby D, for us it’s been stuck on Little Bean. It was Little Bean who brought her mother and me back together. We picked up like we never left one another. My family has been blessed to be a big part of Little Bean and her mother’s life, even more so now. The miracle has brought us light at the end of a dark tunnel. She loves her Uncle Jon and worships the ground he walks on. Her Aunt Rae, she can’t let her out of her sight, nor can she let Aunt Rae not hold when its 100 degrees outside. For me, she is my bundle of joy, my savor, my grandbaby, my light for those dark days. The hope that someday we will be able to be a part of our granddaughter’s lives.

Can you find the Easter Eggs she hid for Uncle Jon?

Faith is a big part of this. We had to believe that God would be by our sides guiding us in the right path, to lean on him when we could stand on our own feet, to cry when we had too, to even been scared to death, to teach us that fear is part of growth. Sure there had been many times that we wanted to give up, but we pushed through. We had family praying for us, and friends who would counsel us, and then we had each other, the three of us. My Husband, Daughter and I, have grown so much from this miracle. There is hope, never stop believing.

Little Bean with painte nails

For Little Bean, she is now almost three years old. She and I get to spend one to three day’s a week together. She’s grown so much since she was six weeks old when I began babysitting her. We’ve been able to be part of her firsts, roll over, sit up, eat solid food, take her to the zoo, county fairs, our family celebrations, her birthdays, her Christmas’ and the list goes on. Today was a milestone for Little Bean! She finally read and understood two books today. “Count and & Color with the Little Monsters” by Lynne Mitchell and designed by Deena Fleming and Heather Dakota. The other book “From Head to Toe” by Eric Carle. I wish I could share the video from today, but I don’t have the WordPress membership for that.

Count&Color with the Little Monsters
Eric Carle From Head to Toe

So what’s Little Bean’s real name? Her name is Dakota Ann (No last name will be shared). She keeps us on our toes. She’s always smiling, laughing, loves to learn, do crafts, help make muffins, brush her teeth, and tell you how much she loves her mommy’s potty.

Never Know what you’ll find
Our Trip to Newport Aquarium location Newport Kentucky.
Trip to the Cincinnati Zoo, location Cincinnati, Ohio

This is our LITTLE BEAN

Books: NOTE: I could not find the actual book that I have of Count & Color with the Little Monsters. I shared where you may be able to buy one like it.

Count&Color with the Little Monsters by Lynne Mitchell and Designed by Denna Fleming and Heather Dakota: https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/count–color-with-the-little-monsters_lynne-mitchell/3191074/#isbn=054514552X&idiq=17917607

From Head to Toe by Eric Carle: https://www.amazon.com/Head-Toe-Board-Book/dp/0694013013

Newport Aquarium, Newport Kentucky: https://www.newportaquarium.com

Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden, Cincinnati, Ohio: http://cincinnatizoo.org

Posted in About Me, Spending Discipline

Working On Spending Discipline

Every year I tell myself I’m going to work on paying bills off and start to save. Every year comes and goes so fast that I have zero in savings and have done no discipline on spending. Saving money can be hard when you don’t work and aren’t to be working due to medical reasons. Depending on others can become very hard, tiring and stressful. I begin to beat myself because I have spent money on something that I didn’t need. Somethings I will buy something I feel our home needs. When you put on a tight budget and trying to make that go as far as you can is rough. Especially those times come when you weren’t excepting them.

When I get in these moods, I begin to point out what I did do rather than what I should have done. I drain my brain from any energy that I might have to figure out what can I do to save money. My first thought is to get a job. But where, and how long will that last before I’m sick again and in relapse. I begin finding items to sell. But in real life, they never sell, they end up going to Goodwill or donating them. I couldn’t sell something free, that’s how bad of a salesperson I am.

I’ve tried everything out there. Reading budget books, how to save, how to sell, how to pinch pennies, how to use cash rather than check or debit cards, and credit cards. I’ve used the envelope system, and that doesn’t seem to work either. The truth of it all is that I had never taught how to budget. My mother never taught me that. And well my father hasn’t been in my life. My mother worked and went to school, to pay our bills. So we could have a roof over our heads, and food in our bellies. But I never knew what it was like to pay bills. When I began working and spending my own money, it went fast not keeping track of what I spent it on. That led to living paycheck to paycheck. At some point, I need to grow up. And get my act together. I’m not getting any younger and for my savings, it’s not getting any bigger either.

Are you wondering what my shopping might look like? I love sales racks, clearance racks, buy one get one, buy five save five dollars so bargains. I can thumb through a sales rack and find nothing. But within minutes I’m back thumbing through that same sales rack to find something for the bargain. The item will make it through checkout, to the car, to the washing machine, to the hanger, and to the closet. That item of clothing could hang in the closet for a very long time. Once I get sick of seeing it, I’ll try to sell it and then give up and get rid of it. That’s my habit, buy things that either I want or think our home needs. Then sometimes they don’t even get used. I call this depression spending. Buying items to fill those empty holes, to fill with happy thoughts. Which will turn to mad thoughts, because I bought it and really didn’t need it?

SO I’ve decided I would try something new. My daughter sent me this: “How Bullet Journaling Helped Me Conquer My Mindless Spending Habit”.
I put it to the test today. I had a doctors appointment on my favorite side of town. All the stores I love to spend time shopping. I started at one of my favorite little stores, walked in and didn’t get a cart or hand basket. Went in with nothing in mind to buy. First stop shoes, Oh I found a very cute pair of summer shoes, the price looked good. They stayed on the rack. Moving to home goods didn’t find a thing in that department. Great! Next clothing, what caught my eye CLEARANCE SIGNS. I looked through the clothing, find a few shirts I thought would be great for Easter the price five dollars each. This was a bit hard to leave them on the sale rack, but that’s where they stayed. I continued to walk about the clothing department, finding myself going back to the shirts for Easter. At this point, I knew I had to walk out of the store. I did just that, getting in my car I told myself GREAT JOB. I continued this with each store. Surprising myself with empty arms when I arrived home.

I sat down with my planner and began putting bullets in my journal part, and writing the feelings, and wants for the items and if I came home with me. My reasoning for buying somethind today? I had seen my physiatrist today, which I see him every three months. Nothing new to talk about, no change in medicines, come back in three months and I’m on my way and I paid my co-payment with cash. I left home at one thrity pm and my appointment was at two fifteen pm arriving early. I was back home by four o’clock pm. That’s early I’m normally gone the entire day. I forgot to add that I like to eat out on these days. I ate before I left, I brought my favorite cup filled with water with me. I didn’t eat out, but by the time I got home was too hungry and shaking. I’ll have to figure something else out. I’ve tried energy bars, which I don’t like. If you have any idea’s please let me know. Thanks.

https://thefinancialdiet.com/how-bullet-journaling-helped-me-conquer-my-mindless-spending-habit/

Posted in About Me

Is it Stress or Is it Depression? That’s the Question.

How can you tell the difference between Stress and Depression? Stress for me can be anywhere from physically to toxic related. I have many things that cause me stress. Here are a few triggers for me.
*finances
*physical
*mental
*seasonal
*emotional
*drama
*toxic
When I’m dealing with financial stress panic sets in, worrying and what can I do.
When I’m dealing with physical stress, my body will begin to become weak and worn out.
When I’m dealing with seasonal stress, I’ll be very restless, tired and drained.
When I’m dealing with emotional stress, I’ll start to believe all the negative thoughts, out of controlling crying, becoming mad and angry.
When dealing with drama stress, I’ll withdraw from those people or situations.
When dealing with toxic stress, my body will begin to shake, tighten, burn and I become angry. I will pick apart the situation making myself even madder. If I let this stress get out of control, I become toxic to myself.

I have many things that cause depression. Here are a few triggers for me.
*relationships
*emotional
*mentally
*behavior
*physical
*drama
*toxic
When I’m dealing with relationship depression, I begin to hide, shut down, withdraw, but yet fight to figure it out.
When I’m dealing with emotional depression, I become a teary mess, crying when others aren’t around.
When I’m dealing with mental depression, I can find everything little thing wrong with me, it can eat me alive I begin to drown in the lies.
When I’m dealing with behavior depression, my whole being changes, I can put on the many “outfits” of depression, covering up those behaviors.
When I’m dealing with physical depression, I can pick myself apart pointing out all the ugly parts of my body and mind.
When I’m dealing with drama depression, I can become hateful, mean, defenceful, angry, and ready to tell you what I think and how I feel.
When I’m dealing with toxic depression, I can’t seem to find my way out. I fall deeper and deeper into the trap of depression and the mess it has caused in my life, I become toxic to myself.
Where am I today you may ask? I’m stuck in the rut of stressed and depressed. I’m racking my brain to get out of this rut, but it seems to be harder on some days than others. When I think I have it figured out, I’m right back to where I was. I have withdrawn from some and leaned towards others. I’m learning who wants to be around me and not cause drama. I will continue to learn as I go. I will learn how to weed out what causes my stress and what causes my depression. It will take time, and sometimes, I don’t allow myself that time. I have to learn to believe I can do it and have trust in myself.

Posted in Genealogy

Helping With Genealogy Then Get The BOOT!

I had been contacted by a member of ancestry.com site. A gentleman we’ll name “Paul”. Paul had asked if I could take a look at his family tree, and see if there were any mistakes before his posted it public. Public as in so others can see it. He didn’t want to do this if the information was wrong, understandable. Being a genealogy freak of course I took on the request. I sent back some of the questions I always ask. 

  1. What are they looking for? Ex: dates, facts, names, burial etc.
  2. Birth, Death or Marriage certificates?
  3. Spelling of names

“Paul” sent back answers to the questions. I seen a name I knew. Why, it was in my family tree also. I had to get my notes on my tree to compare information and to give correct information. I took a short break to grab something to eat, and settle down to take an all nighter to do some digging. I wanted to for fill this “Paul” request for help with his family tree. Plus, I wanted to know if in fact we were related. 

I did find a few mistakes in “Paul’s” family tree nothing big. Married names as maiden names, a few dates, multiples of the same person and married couples but not the spouses first name. Nothing to big to figure out and fix. 

As “Paul” and I continued to sent messages back and forth, with more answers and more questions. And him wanting me to help fix his tree, I asked if he felt like changing his settings on his family tree so that I would able go in and make those changes. “Paul” didn’t think twice about it. Once I got the invite I went to town, fixing little mistakes and adding information I knew was correct from my tree. “Paul” staying contact with me, and I did him. The questions started to shorten as the answers were being given. 

I had shared with “Paul” we were related and how. As I had explained to “Paul” how we were related through a family member of his and my family member mine, he was surprised and glad to find a family member as I was too. I added the information I had in my family tree to “Paul’s” family tree which would show him how we were related, nothing close. “Paul’s” tree began to grow like a wild flowers. I had filled in blanks, that were empty. I worked on his family tree for about a week, thinking we would work on the connection we had in our families together. BUT..

There’s always a But.. to my surprise today, “Paul” has removed me from his tree, and is not accepting messages on ancestry any longer. This was all after he had sent me messages throughout the day today. I didn’t learn this until I sat down to add an obituary to “Paul’s” family tree. Wow what a way to end that. 

I’m not sure if “Paul” was upset of the obituary I had found, with a spouse’s married name which he had but not the wive’s husband first name. I had shared with him that I’ve had this happened in my family tree. I found an ancestor buried with the first spouse’s last name and not the spouse’s name they had at death. “Paul,” sent back a message with “Wow” and a little more details and that he had a lot of work to do. I sent back message letting him know if he needed help to let me know. But I didn’t think it would mean I could no longer contact “Paul” when I found more information. 

I understand it’s up the each genealogist take on who can help and can’t help, but it would have been nice to know after helping him, that my work would be ended. But.. There’s that BUT.. I was able to add the information he had on his family tree to mine, but not the photo’s his had. 

I have been tossing around going into business helping others with their family tree’s and research, but it’s moments like these that turn my cheek to the idea. “Paul” had told me how good I was at this, and how helpful I was for him, all the words one likes to hear. Has “Paul’s” action stopped me from helping others? No, I’ll just chalk “Paul” in the book as, limit myself with answers. I know that sounds mean, but I feel if you’re asking someone for help be nice about it and not act like this. These actions turn a lot of genealogist away from helping others. 

End of Rant.