Posted in About Me

When You Fail As Mother

Being a mother is hard work. We bring children into the world to love and protect from harm. All we want is to love our children, to watch them grow up and become parents themselves. Young mother’s don’t think about becoming grandparents, nor aunts. We are focused on our babies. Making sure they’re fed, cleaned, warm, and have a home. We creep into the bedrooms of our children hours after they have fallen asleep, to thank God for that day and pray for the next day. We want to be with our children all the time. Not to be an airplane or an overprotected mother, or to not let our children grow up. We want to love the child God had created for us.

Mother’s understand that our children don’t want us to be the momma bird for the rest of their lives. We don’t want to be the momma bird either. In all honesty, we want to see you take that first flight out of the nest. Our hope for you is that you have taken in all the lessons we’ve taught you, that includes the bad. Why the bad, so you can see that we too make mistakes. What you’re missing is when we beat ourselves to death about our mistakes. When we see you doing the same as us, we know we didn’t do the job correctly. We tell ourselves all through the pregnancy that we won’t be like our parents. But in the end, we do just that. Our habits are like hammy downs. Toren and frayed ripped and stained all passed along to the children.

We try to mend the broken only to find we are the broken. We are worse than the hammy downs. We aren’t fixable. We are aware of this by seeing our children with other mother’s. We are aware of this as our children no longer have anything to do with us. Punished for our actions, the actions we were taught. We search to figure out what action it was that ended a relationship with our child. Our minds are in falling apart. The files in our brains have been dropped and spread throughout our thoughts. We work hard to sort and find the mistake, but only to find that’s not the right one. So we continue to beat ourselves to nothing because we have failed our children, not only our children but ourselves. We want to be that mom everyone wants to be around, we dream it. Only to be dreaming of a nightmare. A nightmare that never leaves us. Our nightmares keep us awake all through the night and our days begin to darken.

As we weep and fall to our knees praying to God, that he will shine a light on our darkened days. To bring our children back, to allow us to show a change in one way or another. To heal the broken, and forgive us of our sins. We ask ourselves, do we deserve forgiveness? Do we deserve a second chance? Have we prayed enough? In our hearts, do we believe God is our savior? Did we raise our children in a Christ-like way? He is to be our strength, our drive, our hope, and our leader. The enemy sugar-coats our feelings. Making us believe we are worthless. Worthless sets in and become just that worthless. We aren’t worthy of anything, not even our children. Mother’s that are valuable will be sought out. The broken will be left to die alone with the pain they’ve carried all this time. Only to beg one last time before their last breath to be please forgive us.

On judgment day, we fall about to our knees praying for forgiveness, and once again have our children be about of us. To allow us to make our mistakes but still love us for who are. Human. Not a piece of trash that is no longer needed.

When All You Want Is Your MOTHER

On this day, all I want is my mother. I long for her voice, her hand, to fall into her lap and cry. To tell her I’m the problem, the reason she doesn’t get to see her grandchildren nor their children. I’m the reason the family is a trainwreck. And that I failed her as a mother. My mother did her very best with us kids. I only knew what I had seen. I thought my mother did a hell of a job raising three children on her own. Somewhere along the line, I didn’t get that lesson. The lesson I received was I wasn’t worthy. I wasn’t good enough and that I was the problem and the blame. I still want my mom. For her to hold me, tell me things would be okay only to know she would walk away again. The cycle continues.

Posted in About Me, Bible

Anxiety Takes Control Over Gods Words

I do not take credit for this picture. Sources posted.

Living with anxiety can put a bit damper on your life. For me, it can be very challenging. I’m not sure what to say when I want to say something. I don’t know how to act, even though I’ve tried so hard to act normal. I become a clam, hidden in the shell, not peaking out. I don’t want to see the outcome. Outcomes are even harder even if they are good or bad. I can pep talk myself through situations, but I can still have anxiety attacks. Those attacks steal the words from my mouth. My brain becomes puzzled from the loss of words. My eyes become blinded, afraid to see, what is going on in front of them. My body becomes weak and lazy wore out from the stress. All I want to do is say what I want to say, and have the answers I want to hear. But that’s a fairy tail in life. Or is it?

The Bible says:

Philippians 2:28-30
So I am all the more anxious to send him back to you, for I know you will be glad to see him, and that will lighten all my cares. Welcome him with Christian love and with great joy, and be sure to honor people like him. For he risked his life for the work of Christ, and he was at the point of death while trying to do for me the things you couldn’t do because you were far away.

I do not take credit for the picture. Source posted

I find myself even afraid of God. I second guess my thoughts and trust with God. I want to do what God wants me to do. Whatever it may be, could be right in front of me, and I’ll second guess his words. I could have prayed for something for months or years. And what I have prayed for could be right in front of me, and I’ll doubt the words he is speaking to me.

What does the Bible say about Doubt?

Matthew 14: 25-32
About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came to them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him, they screamed in terror, thinking he was a ghost. But Jesus spoke to them at once. “It’s all right,” he said.
“I am here! Don’t be afraid.” Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you by walking on the water.” “All right, come,” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on water toward Jesus. But when he looked around at the high waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Instantly Jesus reached out his hand and grabbed him. “You don’t have much faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you bought me?” And when they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped.

Sounds just like me, I’m afraid I’ll sink. That the winds will continue to blow like a wind storm. How do we get away from the enemy of Anxiety?

What’s the Bible tell us to do?

Matthew 5: 43-45
“You have heard that the law of Moses says, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust, too. If you love only those who love you, what good is that?”

So I ask God, I’m to love this Anxiety, these panic attacks, second thoughts, and those doubts? What! I’m very confused now. Do I walk towards the boat or towards the enemy? I need to learn to listen to my ears and come out of the shell. To not be afraid of what I want to talk about, what I want to do, how I want to grow and build better for my family.

In Psalms 71:2 says
Rescue me! Save me from my enemy, for you are just. Turn your ear to listen and set me free.

Or maybe this speaks clearly to me

Matthew 13:15-16
For the hears of these people are hardened, and their ears cannot hear, and they have closed their eyes-so their eyes cannot see, and their ears cannot hear and their hearts cannot understand, and they cannot turn to me and let me heal them.” But blessed are your eyes because they see; and your ears, because they hear. I assure you, many prophets and godly people have longed to see and hear what you have to seen and heard, but they could not.

Matthew 10:27
“What I tell you now in the darkness, shout abroad when daybreak comes. What I whisper in your ears, shout from the housetops for all to hear!”

OH, how I long to shout from the rooftop of me becoming someone and being able to help provide for our family. I’m excited to grow and I’m ready but afraid to take the next step. That step is asking for help. How can I be afraid to ask for help, how could this be? I shouldn’t be afraid to share what I feel God is putting in front of me and to ask for help. I shouldn’t feel this way if I trust in the Lord. Is the enemy myself? Am I fighting myself, and afraid I’m not to do this? But if I’m afraid, why do I get excited when I talk about it, get excited when I think about it?

Isaiah 8:13 says:
Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear him, you need fear nothing else. He will keep you safe.

Isaiah 8:13 says:
Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear him, you need fear nothing else. He will keep you safe.

Matthew 2:7
The Herod sent a private message to the wise man, asking them to come see him. At the meeting, he learned the exact time when they first saw the star. Then he told them, “Go to Bethlehem and search carefully for the child. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him, too. After this interview the wise men went their way. Once again the star appeared to them, guiding them to Bethlehem. It went ahead of them and stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were filled with joy! The entered the house where the child and mother, Mary, were, and they fell down before him and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasure chests and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Is this my interview?

I do not take credit for the picture. Source posted.

Sources:

https://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/debbie-mcdaniel/33-verses-to-remind-us–we-do-not-have-to-fear.html

https://www.ibelieve.com/faith/a-prayer-for-worry.html

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/an-interview-with-god-stephanie-hill-nchege/1127801556

Posted in About Me, Family

It’s Fine and Dandy

The Love Birds

Fine and Dandy means so much more those two words. The first time I heard “Fine and Dandy,” I just wanted to laugh. It all started in nineteen eighty-five. I met a lady for the first time and fell in love as soon as I set eyes on her. She was just as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. She loved riding dirt bikes, sled riding, fishing, boating, flowers, 4-H, and her number one love was FAMILY. But would have I thought a Grandmother would to do all of those things? I would have told you no, or are you kidding me. She lived a life full of adventures. There is one adventure that sticks in my mind. She had decided she was getting married, she did just that, ran away and married the man of her life. Through all the hards, the good times, side by side the stuck together for sixty-seven years. I hadn’t seen love until I saw the love this couple had for one another. They had a crazy kind of love. Willing to count each bean seed or each corn kernel to know how many plants would be harvest in the fall. For me, this was not “Fine and Dandy.” After losing count after the ten millionth time, I gave up.

This beautiful!!

If you had a question about plants or flowers, she had the answer. If you had doughts about a birds names, she had the answer. She had the concoction to get rid of poison ivy. Maybe you even had a question about what bait to use for fishing yep she had that answer too. She had the number of sugar cubes needed to make your hot tea taste “Fine and Dandy.” She did have her peeves. There would be hair hanging in your face. Why? She couldn’t see your beautiful eyes. OH, if you didn’t have something to pull the hair back, she had something for that too. Which would follow with a now that’s “Fine and Dandy.” There were to be NO hats worn at the table. Why? RUDE! Everything had it’s home. You get it out you put it away.

Just a small part of the family

She loved her community. If there was an activity or club, she was in it. She was a busy mother with three children. A husband who farmed and also was on different boards which kept him busy. She had eight grandchildren, nineteen great-grandchildren, and four great-grandchildren, all that kept her on toes. She also knew the rules for Basketball, so sometime’s she had to say what she knew (Not Fine and Dandy). She was grade cheerleader it didn’t matter if you were family or not you where getting cheered on.

We Graduated. Gramma with Great Granddaughter
Our Wedding Day

I’ll share another little story with you. It took place in June nineteen eighty-seven. The night before my wedding day, the day of my life. I was excited to be part of the family that I had learned to love. A family that had excepted me for who I was and am, a young gal with lots of bangs and buries on her heart. As the rehearsal night was coming to an end, my mother was upset. Not with me, but took it out on me. She took my wedding dress and refused to let me have it for my wedding day (the very next day). My mother in law to be called this fine lady, asking her to get her wedding dress out that I needed it. Her words, “Yes, I do my best. If I can’t, getting married in jeans and a nice blouse (as they called them back then) will be “Fine and Dandy.” The outcome? I was able to get my wedding dress from my mother and the day went on as planned.

The Free-spirited. Grandpa and Gramma with Grandson

This free-spirited lady was my husband Grandmother, Gramma. Ms. Fine and Dandy lived a fulfilling life here on earth for ninety-six years. She is now at rest with her runaway husband. She is even more “Fine and Dandy.” We will all have beautiful memories of the times we each shared with her. We will see her through the lessons she’s taught us, the cheers that shout from the sidelines, the blooms of flowers, the sound of the bait hitting the water, the giggles we sled ride, the smell in the air at the fair, and hear peace from the chirping of the birds.

Gramma giving her grandson his first hair cut.

We love and miss you and Grandpa, but we know you are Fine and Dandy and we will meet again. Rest in Peace.

Posted in About Me, Bible, Church

Let’s Talk Comfort Zone!

I do not take credit for this pictures. Resources are posted.

When we hear the word Comfort Zone some of us have already started running. Millions are comfortable with stepping out of it. Where for me I’m the other millions who are uncomfortable about stepping out. I have friends that have strong personalities. When I’m with them, it’s easy for me to step out of my comfort zone. They are being looked at and listened to. I slide into a spot and stay there. So I guess no I’m not stepping out of the comfort zone, am I? I prefer to staying to myself, doing very little outside the home, and I have few friends. I’m don’t feel this is a “Cry Wolf” post. I’m sharing my thoughts and feelings. I hope that this may help someone else in their Comfort Zone.

I do not take credit for this picture. Resource is posted. This would be something good to read.

I’ve been trying to work on myself. To cleanse myself before I try to bring anyone else into the Uncomforted zone. Working on comfort zones can be tricky. It’s one of those either you are or your not situations. I long to have friends. I long to have the best friend of my age. I have to love the friend inside myself first. Who is that friend? Is she fun, funny, loving, sharing, a word keeper, a go-getter? I would hope I’m all of these. Where do you fit in your inner self?

Comforted in the Bible says:

Genesis 21:17-18
Then God heard the boy’s cries, and the angel of God called to Hager from the sky, “Hager, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy’s cries from the place where you laid him. Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.

Psalms 94:19
When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

When we hear someone cry either from hurt, grief, loneliness, or feel they are “Crying Wolf” take a step back and ask yourself, what would you like for someone to do for you? When doubts fill our minds its time to ask for hope and to have cheerleaders on your sideline. Our Cheerleader has always been GOD, but it’s us that have lost our way. We need to listen to God. We need to read the word of God, praise our Lord for our blessings and our struggles. For he is our Comfort Zone.

Cleanse in the Bible says:

Proverbs 20:9
Who can say, “I have cleansed my heart; I am pure and free from sin.”

I know my heart needs to be cleansed. I know I’ve sinned, I’m not afraid to say that. We all sin in one way or another. But we view it differently. So that comfort zone comes into play here. We have to step out of the comfort zone to ask God to forgive us, to admit our sins, to do as God wants us to, to be like God.

I do not take credit for this pictures. Resource is posted.

Are you ready to step out of the Comfort Zone and become friends with God? Let him be the best friend inside of you, to the cheerleader on your sideline, to be the one who knows all our faults, and who holds our words close, he will be you through the cleansing process and thereafter. Do you need prayers? Step out of the comfort zone and let me know and I’ll pray for you. Remember God loves us all.

Resources:

https://www.tyndale.com/p/niv-life-application-study-bible-second-edition/9781414359755

http://www.inspirationalquotesimg.com/586879/step-out-of-your-comfort-zone-and-witness-immaculate-things-happen-in-your-life

~ Cleanse my Mind, Body, and soul. Part 1~

https://www.dominioncc.org/sermons/2018/7/2/uncomfortable

Posted in About Me, Bible, Feelings

When You Just Want To Be A Part Of

I do not take credit for this picture

We all long to be a part of something or someone. Being looked as at equal fills the heart. To be part of hobbies, games, stories, conversions, helps everyone feel a part of something. We have area’s that we love more than others. We turn to others to help push through the area’s we don’t like. Fitting in can be very hard for some, and for other’s, it comes naturally. When things are harder on others, feeling natural is 100 percent harder for them. The more that people work at trying to fit in will only make them push farther away. I’ve seen this happened, when? I’ve done this, I’ve worked hard at being a part of something and only find that I push myself away. I don’t like to play the status game. The status game is belittling.
The world has created this. Either your shoe fits the world. Sorry about your luck if it doesn’t. You’ll be placed in the box and shoved to the back of the closet. Out of sight out of mind as I have heard it.
It’s hard to sit back and watch this happened to so many others in the world and families. You to speak out, but you also don’t want to be that shoe in the back of the closet. Just like the tongue on our shoe that has been laced down into place, our tongues must be done the same in our mouths. We have to watch what we say, when we say it and how we say it. Again I learn this when I was much younger. I have carried this through my whole life and continue to do so today.
I’ve been trying to sort feelings and words out. I’ve found it’s like fighting a wind chime that is tangled together into knots. Untangling these words wear me out. I feel like that wind chime in the wind being beat around and bounced off one another, beaten and bruised. I continue to work at untangling the words.

But what does the Bible say:


Ecclesiastes 12:11-14
A wise teacher’s words spur students to action and emphasize important truth. The collected saying of the wise are like guidance from a shepherd. But, my child, be warned: There is no end of opinions ready to be expressed. Studying them can go on forever and become very exhausting! Here is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is the duty of every person. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.
We all struggle with words, relationships, groups, activities, being a part of, but it’s easier for some and harder for others.

Proverbs 10:17
People who accept correction are on the pathway to life, but those who ignore it will lead others astray.

Proverbs 10:32
The godly speak words that are helpful, but the wicked speak only what is corrupt.

Why do we feel cheated when we aren’t included? Why do we fill our emptiness with more emptiness? Why do we want to be a part? Is it because we’ve felt this all our lives? Is it that we don’t trust, or don’t know where we fit in? Or is it that we aren’t excepted, or welcome to be a part? Is that we not trusted? Or are we looked as not worthy?

Proverbs 11:1
The Lord hates cheating, but he delights in honesty.

Proverbs 11: 12-13
It is foolish to belittle a neighbor: a person with good sense remains silent.
A gossip goes around revealing secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.

1 John 3: 11
This is the message we have heard from the beginning: We should love one another.

I’ve been struggling with words for the last few months. I have some I want to speak and some I’d rather hold inside.

Resources:

https://www.tyndale.com/p/niv-life-application-study-bible-second-edition/9781414359755

For the picture

https://www.lds.org/youth/article/idea-list-including-everyone?lang=eng

Posted in About Me

Mother’s Day

A Mother’s Day Gift 20 years Ago

My Mother’s Day will be pretty much like all the others. The last Mother’s Day that our Son has been a part of was six years ago. My last Mother’s Day with him, I can remember so clearly, like looking through a piece of glass. It was like every other Mother’s Day. But I didn’t know this would be the last with him. I remember what he gave me, a plant and a Mother’s Day card, along with a hug and a kiss. Hugs from him were always tight. Sometime’s if he was in a silly mood you might get lifted off your feet. I think he enjoyed hearing me squeal. I love knowing his father had taught him to show affection and strength at the same time.

I remember a statement that was said to me. Flowers and a card were stupid for Mother’s Day. Every Mother’s Day I would receive flower for my flowerbeds, along with mulch. The four of us would work hard in the yard, moving the heavy dark mulch from each flowerbed. I looked forward to this day, sharing it with both our children and my husband. It was hard work but yet satisfying.

Our Son On His Wedding Day

Why was that My last Mother’s Day with our son? Month’s before he got married, there were lots of misunderstandings, and feelings hurt. The issue’s damaged the relationship with our son. We haven’t been able to rebuild that relationship with him and his family. I have prayed many of days that lead into years for healing. Six years later things I’m still without my son on Mother’s Day. We’ve sat down and talked hoping it would help, but it didn’t. All I can do now is pray more and pray that is wife cherishes Mother’s Day.

Me and My Mother over 3 years ago

Two years ago was my last Mother’s Day with my Mother. WHY? Not by my choice but my Mother’s. I had taken care of her for two years, to the best of my ability. I followed the Doctor’s orders given. Every day, I worked hard to make sure my mother had the things she needed to live as close to possible on her own. Checking her medicines, making sure she had taken a bath, dressed, fed, paying her bills on time, making doctor appointments, taking her to and from those appointments to taking her to the store. Not only this but taking her to see her sister, out to lunch or dinner, to see my daughter graduate from college, to let her be a grandmother to the little girl I babysat also.

Two years came along then the role of the caregiver to my mother had all changed. She and my sibling had been talking behind my back and had a plan to end all that. My Mother didn’t like the way I was caring for her. I was doing everything the Doctors said and doing it by myself. I had my plate full that was running over the edges. I had my own health issue’s, my home and husband, my daughter would get graduating from college, plus trying to keep my siblings informed of what was going on with our mother. The Doctor’s rules were no driving, no doing her finances herself, and no making appointments on her own.

She had had a stroke, and her memory is in the first stages of Alzheimer’s. One of my siblings didn’t want to accept the fact that our mother was not well. I live just five to six minutes from her, where my siblings live twenty to twenty-five minutes away. I had access to her home and knew all her doctor’s and medications she was on. I knew which hospital to take her to, had all the doctor forms and documents needed. Not that my siblings couldn’t have those documents too, I just hadn’t had a minute to print them off. When I had spoken to my siblings everything was fine.

September came, and things changed. The changes were going to be big. I didn’t have time to prepare for them or the outcome. But I was no longer going to take care of our mother. My sibling had agreed with our Mother that she could indeed do all the things the Doctors had order she couldn’t. We met at the lawyer’s office to find the final decision of my mother. I indeed was removed from her care. I was no longer allowed to visit or see her. She was able to decide this because she hadn’t had the four-hour testing to show us just what she could do for herself and how her memory was. I will say she was starting to gain small tasks to do for herself. Since there were no test results to show to the lawyer, there was nothing I could do. But do what she ordered.

It’s been two years now that I haven’t shared Mother’s Day with my Mother. I do send her cards and will call her and hope she answers. But I’m not to do those things, because that’s what she told the lawyer. There are times when she answers the phone. She will ask questions, what happened, she doesn’t remember, that she thinks I’m mad at her, that I don’t want anything to do with her. Mad wasn’t the word that I was feeling, more like numb. Mad is the feeling I have towards my sibling. Disbelieve is the word I have. To this day, I have not spoken to that sibling. I choose not to because it becomes a battle. A battle of who was right and who was not. One that I don’t want to be called a liar or not trusted nor heard.

My Daughter and Her Daddy My Husband

For this Mother’s Day, I will be celebrating with my Husband, Our Daughter and Our Soon To Son In Law. Will I be getting flowers for my flowerbeds? I would think so. For me, Flowers and Cards are perfect gifts. I won’t let that statement permanently be stamped in my mind how stupid they are. So I ask you to give your mother that silly gift for Mother’s Day the one that seems stupid to others.

The Soon To Be Married Couple
Me, My Daughter and My Mother Being Silly Like Always
Posted in About Me, Church

Family

What does family mean?
Using Google, Dictionary, Family
https://www.google.com/search?q=Dictionary#dobs=family

There are several different definitions for the word Family.
Here is my favorite definition for the word Family from the Google Dictionary site:
*”a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage.”

Easter 2019 Family

Why this one? I have family members who are blood-related to me. But I also have family members who are not blood-related to me. They are the ones who I’ve gained through my relationship with my husband of more than thirty years. They’ve taught me that life can be rough. When rough times interrupt in life, the family will be there to help you through.

My Husband’s Anniversary = Family

When the family has a set of parents who have been raised to help push through those hard times, it makes those times seem easy. My husband’s parents marriage is one that I will always cherish. His parents have kept this family together. They believe in us because we believe in them. And when you have people believing in you, you begin to believe in yourself.

1989 Our Wedding Day, with both set’s of my husband’s grandparents = Family

When using the website: https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/family/
The first line says for Foundation:
“The Bible is the world’s great teacher of monogamy–the union for life of one man and one woman in marriage as the basis of the family.”
This definition sum’s up my husband’s parent’s and grandparents.

As his parents are beginning to get up in age, and needing more help, it’s us the family they have built who will be the ones to help them. Just as our family will be going over a few bumping patches in the next few months, the family will be standing on a strong foundation. The foundation, that my husband parents, grandparents, siblings, children, in-laws, nieces, and nephews that have all helped build. We each are a part of the foundation in one way or another.

When using the website: https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/family/
The first line says for Foundation:
“The Bible is the world’s great teacher of monogamy–the union for life of one man and one woman in marriage as the basis of the family.”
This definition sum’s up my husband’s parent’s and grandparents.

When using the website: https://av1611.com/kjbp/kjv-dictionary/family.html
States the follwing: (Which I do not take credit for)
KJV Dictionary Definition: family
family
FAM’ILY, n. L. familia

1. The collective body of persons who live in one house and under one head or manager; a household, including parents, children and servants, and as the case may be, lodgers or boarders.

2. Those who descend from one common progenitor; a tribe or race; kindred; lineage. Thus the Israelites were a branch of the family of Abraham; and the descendants of Reuben, of Manasseh, &c., were called their families. The whole human race are the family of Adam, the human family.

3. Course of descent; genealogy; line of ancestors.

Go and complain thy family is young.

4. Honorable descent; noble or respectable stock. He is a man of family.

5. A collection or union of nations or states.

The states of Europe were, by the prevailing maxims of its policy, closely united in one family.

6. In popular language, an order, class or genus of animals or of other natural productions, having something in common, by which they are distinguished from others; as, quadrupeds constitute a family of animals, and we speak of the family or families of plants.


Definitions from Webster’s American Dictionary of the English Language, 1828.

As you can see from my picture’s I’ve shared, each person holds a piece in our relationship and foundation. WE thank each and everyone of you.

Websites:

https://www.google.com/search?q=Dictionary#dobs=family

https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/family/

https://av1611.com/kjbp/kjv-dictionary/family.html



Posted in About Me

Little Bean Was Born

Baby Bean

Two almost three years ago Little Bean was born. Little Bean was so tiny but yet filled a big hole in our hearts. We’ve been blessed to have close friends to share their child with us. Many years ago I babysat Little Bean’s mother and her siblings. Little Bean’s mother has shared with me many times how she looked at me as a mother figure. But, I’m not sure if Little Bean’s mother knew how much I looked at has my own. Little Bean’s mother was here a lot. She would stay the night, go to school from here, she was punished just like one of our own. Little Bean’s mother’s father was a single dad raising three children by himself. Two boys and then Little Bean’s mother. Little Bean’s mother and her siblings, graduated from school and all are doing great in life.

Rebecca and her Daddy

As life changes our stories do too, Little Bean’s mother went on to farther her education. Which a move had to take place, this move would help Little Bean’s mother grow as an adult, and learn to live on her own. As some of know, we never know when God has the plan for a little human to be created. And just that it did, Little Bean was created. With the creation of Little Bean, this meant another change would need to happen. Little Bean’s mother continued to work and take care of herself, and be the mother she always wanted to be. One who is strong, smart, beautiful, caring and continues to grow in so many ways. But yet, knew life would be hard, but she had a strong father who raised her. A father who had shown her times were hard, but you have to believe in yourself, push through those hard times, and never let someone tell you can’t do something.

Uncle Jon with Little Bean

It was time for Little Bean to meet the world outside her world that was in her mother’s belly. She had many names before she was born. Picking a name would be tricky. Her mother wanted her to named after her Great Grandmother Ann. She not only had names before she was born but lots of nicknames after she was born. Coda, Cocoa Bean, Bean, D, Baby D, for us it’s been stuck on Little Bean. It was Little Bean who brought her mother and me back together. We picked up like we never left one another. My family has been blessed to be a big part of Little Bean and her mother’s life, even more so now. The miracle has brought us light at the end of a dark tunnel. She loves her Uncle Jon and worships the ground he walks on. Her Aunt Rae, she can’t let her out of her sight, nor can she let Aunt Rae not hold when its 100 degrees outside. For me, she is my bundle of joy, my savor, my grandbaby, my light for those dark days. The hope that someday we will be able to be a part of our granddaughter’s lives.

Can you find the Easter Eggs she hid for Uncle Jon?

Faith is a big part of this. We had to believe that God would be by our sides guiding us in the right path, to lean on him when we could stand on our own feet, to cry when we had too, to even been scared to death, to teach us that fear is part of growth. Sure there had been many times that we wanted to give up, but we pushed through. We had family praying for us, and friends who would counsel us, and then we had each other, the three of us. My Husband, Daughter and I, have grown so much from this miracle. There is hope, never stop believing.

Little Bean with painte nails

For Little Bean, she is now almost three years old. She and I get to spend one to three day’s a week together. She’s grown so much since she was six weeks old when I began babysitting her. We’ve been able to be part of her firsts, roll over, sit up, eat solid food, take her to the zoo, county fairs, our family celebrations, her birthdays, her Christmas’ and the list goes on. Today was a milestone for Little Bean! She finally read and understood two books today. “Count and & Color with the Little Monsters” by Lynne Mitchell and designed by Deena Fleming and Heather Dakota. The other book “From Head to Toe” by Eric Carle. I wish I could share the video from today, but I don’t have the WordPress membership for that.

Count&Color with the Little Monsters
Eric Carle From Head to Toe

So what’s Little Bean’s real name? Her name is Dakota Ann (No last name will be shared). She keeps us on our toes. She’s always smiling, laughing, loves to learn, do crafts, help make muffins, brush her teeth, and tell you how much she loves her mommy’s potty.

Never Know what you’ll find
Our Trip to Newport Aquarium location Newport Kentucky.
Trip to the Cincinnati Zoo, location Cincinnati, Ohio

This is our LITTLE BEAN

Books: NOTE: I could not find the actual book that I have of Count & Color with the Little Monsters. I shared where you may be able to buy one like it.

Count&Color with the Little Monsters by Lynne Mitchell and Designed by Denna Fleming and Heather Dakota: https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/count–color-with-the-little-monsters_lynne-mitchell/3191074/#isbn=054514552X&idiq=17917607

From Head to Toe by Eric Carle: https://www.amazon.com/Head-Toe-Board-Book/dp/0694013013

Newport Aquarium, Newport Kentucky: https://www.newportaquarium.com

Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden, Cincinnati, Ohio: http://cincinnatizoo.org

Posted in About Me, Spending Discipline

Working On Spending Discipline

Every year I tell myself I’m going to work on paying bills off and start to save. Every year comes and goes so fast that I have zero in savings and have done no discipline on spending. Saving money can be hard when you don’t work and aren’t to be working due to medical reasons. Depending on others can become very hard, tiring and stressful. I begin to beat myself because I have spent money on something that I didn’t need. Somethings I will buy something I feel our home needs. When you put on a tight budget and trying to make that go as far as you can is rough. Especially those times come when you weren’t excepting them.

When I get in these moods, I begin to point out what I did do rather than what I should have done. I drain my brain from any energy that I might have to figure out what can I do to save money. My first thought is to get a job. But where, and how long will that last before I’m sick again and in relapse. I begin finding items to sell. But in real life, they never sell, they end up going to Goodwill or donating them. I couldn’t sell something free, that’s how bad of a salesperson I am.

I’ve tried everything out there. Reading budget books, how to save, how to sell, how to pinch pennies, how to use cash rather than check or debit cards, and credit cards. I’ve used the envelope system, and that doesn’t seem to work either. The truth of it all is that I had never taught how to budget. My mother never taught me that. And well my father hasn’t been in my life. My mother worked and went to school, to pay our bills. So we could have a roof over our heads, and food in our bellies. But I never knew what it was like to pay bills. When I began working and spending my own money, it went fast not keeping track of what I spent it on. That led to living paycheck to paycheck. At some point, I need to grow up. And get my act together. I’m not getting any younger and for my savings, it’s not getting any bigger either.

Are you wondering what my shopping might look like? I love sales racks, clearance racks, buy one get one, buy five save five dollars so bargains. I can thumb through a sales rack and find nothing. But within minutes I’m back thumbing through that same sales rack to find something for the bargain. The item will make it through checkout, to the car, to the washing machine, to the hanger, and to the closet. That item of clothing could hang in the closet for a very long time. Once I get sick of seeing it, I’ll try to sell it and then give up and get rid of it. That’s my habit, buy things that either I want or think our home needs. Then sometimes they don’t even get used. I call this depression spending. Buying items to fill those empty holes, to fill with happy thoughts. Which will turn to mad thoughts, because I bought it and really didn’t need it?

SO I’ve decided I would try something new. My daughter sent me this: “How Bullet Journaling Helped Me Conquer My Mindless Spending Habit”.
I put it to the test today. I had a doctors appointment on my favorite side of town. All the stores I love to spend time shopping. I started at one of my favorite little stores, walked in and didn’t get a cart or hand basket. Went in with nothing in mind to buy. First stop shoes, Oh I found a very cute pair of summer shoes, the price looked good. They stayed on the rack. Moving to home goods didn’t find a thing in that department. Great! Next clothing, what caught my eye CLEARANCE SIGNS. I looked through the clothing, find a few shirts I thought would be great for Easter the price five dollars each. This was a bit hard to leave them on the sale rack, but that’s where they stayed. I continued to walk about the clothing department, finding myself going back to the shirts for Easter. At this point, I knew I had to walk out of the store. I did just that, getting in my car I told myself GREAT JOB. I continued this with each store. Surprising myself with empty arms when I arrived home.

I sat down with my planner and began putting bullets in my journal part, and writing the feelings, and wants for the items and if I came home with me. My reasoning for buying somethind today? I had seen my physiatrist today, which I see him every three months. Nothing new to talk about, no change in medicines, come back in three months and I’m on my way and I paid my co-payment with cash. I left home at one thrity pm and my appointment was at two fifteen pm arriving early. I was back home by four o’clock pm. That’s early I’m normally gone the entire day. I forgot to add that I like to eat out on these days. I ate before I left, I brought my favorite cup filled with water with me. I didn’t eat out, but by the time I got home was too hungry and shaking. I’ll have to figure something else out. I’ve tried energy bars, which I don’t like. If you have any idea’s please let me know. Thanks.

https://thefinancialdiet.com/how-bullet-journaling-helped-me-conquer-my-mindless-spending-habit/

Posted in About Me

Is it Stress or Is it Depression? That’s the Question.

How can you tell the difference between Stress and Depression? Stress for me can be anywhere from physically to toxic related. I have many things that cause me stress. Here are a few triggers for me.
*finances
*physical
*mental
*seasonal
*emotional
*drama
*toxic
When I’m dealing with financial stress panic sets in, worrying and what can I do.
When I’m dealing with physical stress, my body will begin to become weak and worn out.
When I’m dealing with seasonal stress, I’ll be very restless, tired and drained.
When I’m dealing with emotional stress, I’ll start to believe all the negative thoughts, out of controlling crying, becoming mad and angry.
When dealing with drama stress, I’ll withdraw from those people or situations.
When dealing with toxic stress, my body will begin to shake, tighten, burn and I become angry. I will pick apart the situation making myself even madder. If I let this stress get out of control, I become toxic to myself.

I have many things that cause depression. Here are a few triggers for me.
*relationships
*emotional
*mentally
*behavior
*physical
*drama
*toxic
When I’m dealing with relationship depression, I begin to hide, shut down, withdraw, but yet fight to figure it out.
When I’m dealing with emotional depression, I become a teary mess, crying when others aren’t around.
When I’m dealing with mental depression, I can find everything little thing wrong with me, it can eat me alive I begin to drown in the lies.
When I’m dealing with behavior depression, my whole being changes, I can put on the many “outfits” of depression, covering up those behaviors.
When I’m dealing with physical depression, I can pick myself apart pointing out all the ugly parts of my body and mind.
When I’m dealing with drama depression, I can become hateful, mean, defenceful, angry, and ready to tell you what I think and how I feel.
When I’m dealing with toxic depression, I can’t seem to find my way out. I fall deeper and deeper into the trap of depression and the mess it has caused in my life, I become toxic to myself.
Where am I today you may ask? I’m stuck in the rut of stressed and depressed. I’m racking my brain to get out of this rut, but it seems to be harder on some days than others. When I think I have it figured out, I’m right back to where I was. I have withdrawn from some and leaned towards others. I’m learning who wants to be around me and not cause drama. I will continue to learn as I go. I will learn how to weed out what causes my stress and what causes my depression. It will take time, and sometimes, I don’t allow myself that time. I have to learn to believe I can do it and have trust in myself.