Why did I start blogging?? I began blogging because I wanted to share my life, my story, my treasures, my deepest feelings, and to let others know they too can conquer those deepest feelings. What was holding me back? Those feelings that I had bottled up for a lifetime. What was in that bottle? The actual feelings, the words, the story in that bottle? I wanted to help others. I wanted to hear their story. Was their deepest feeling the same as mine, I wanted to know. I dealt with lots of questions in my life. Did I wonder if I was loved? Did I wonder if I belonged? Did I wonder if I was good enough? Did I wonder if God even cared? Did I wonder if I even knew God? The answer is Yes to all of them. There is one I still struggle with today. That is what is my purpose. Have you asked yourself, “What is my purpose?” I’m still in the process of learning. Through blogging, I’ve been able to grow, grow into a stronger person. I still have my weaknesses. Yes, I still want to make the path all on my own, you know I wear big girl panties now. (haha laugh). 😂Through blogging, I’ve been able to sort through a lot of those bottled up words and feelings. So if you are thinking about blogging, I would stay take in on challenge yourself, don’t be afraid to put those feelings into words, get them out there. You’re not the only one who had lived parts and pieces of your life. Grow…..Let things be at peace…..Let your heart be filled with love and happiness. Most of all What is God calling you to do?
Once upon a time, there was a young girl who had dreamt of always have a fairytale wedding. She knew she had her work cut out for her. Working a full-time job, living an hour and a half away from home, and away from family and friends would be hard. The soon to be bride was excited to get the wedding planning started. From finding that princess dress to asking her best friend to stand by her side, helping to choose the bridesmaids dresses, watching the flower girls glow was she had asked them to be a part of this big day.
She began her year-long journey of planning and setting dates, meetings lots of strangers, which her mother always told her, “Don’t talk to strangers.” As the list grew faster than she could push a button to stop time, the big day is here. She stands to look through the window of this fairytale and sees there are tons of “To Do’s” yet to be done.
A Friday night at her Granny’s becomes the place where family and friends come to help sort the invitations. As the names on the guest list are being read, the chatter around the table begins to get louder. Stories start to flow about loved ones on the list. One would share a short story about a wedding they had attended. Another would chime in telling what the weather was like on the wedding day. Then another story of when the Bride’s Mother was forbidden to have her wedding dress the night before her fairytale day. Finally, all the invitations are ready to be mailed the next day.
Monday morning arrives its back to normal. Work, home, eat, sleep, and repeat. The days turn to nightfall and still no RVPS cards in the mailbox. A bad day at work has been turned into excitement when she pulls the mailbox door down to see RVPS cards have arrived. She skips the house, pushing mail out of the way to find the guest list she’d left on the kitchen table. She begins to check the names off the list. Her heart begins to beat and fill with joy. Her fairytale wedding is beginning to sink in.
Now just 5 weeks out from the wedding day, the Bride is thrown for a loop. What will she do, how will she handle it, will she stay strong, or will she crumble?
Momma Bear here: like it or not, this is her MONTH, she’s longed for this day and it is fastly approaching, the day that not only the Bride but the Groom have been dreaming of. They’ve given up so much, in the almost 7 years they’ve been together. They’ve missed college homecomings, they’ve missed out on getting together with friends, the list can go on. I’m blessed to know that my child and soon to be son in law has taken all this missing out well, with not saying anything and doing without. What memories will they have to share with their children about the college football game, or basketball games, friends hanging out? They love their families and the time they have with them, but there is a time and place when Momma Bear can’t take anymore and stands up.
This is their MONTH and their WEDDING.
There I’ve said just a part of how I feel.
At the of fifty, I’m making changes to my life. I’m setting goals and working hard to reach them. I’m finally feeling a bit more independent. But a lot more confident and pretty. In the last three weeks, my days and weeks have taken on a whole new role. I had prayed that I would finally find something the made me laugh, be with other people, and share the beauty. I’ve had to step way out of my comfort zone. Talking to strangers and meeting with friends I haven’t seen in years. I’ve had to learn a sales pitch, which I’m still working on. Learning to be patient has been the hardest.
In Genesis 29: 20-21 “So Jacob spent the next seven years working to pay for Rachel. But his love for her was so strong that it seemed to him but a few days. Finally, the time came for him to marry her. “I have fulled my contract, “Jacob said to Laban. “Now give me my wife so we can be married.”
Just like Jacob, I must work hard before I receive my reward. I plan to keep this scripture with me at all times. For when the days I feel like bailing out or giving up. I can reflect on this scripture.
I’m learning to juggle being a wife, a mother, a daughter in law, an aunt, a babysitter, and now an independent consultant. So far it’s working out great. I have gotten behind on a few chores around the house. But I’m getting caught up on them. If I didn’t have these things to juggle life would be too easy.
In Matthew 7:13-14 “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose the easy way. But the gateway to life is small, and the road is narrow, and only a few ever find it. “
We must learn that even though the path on the left may be short and getting us to point B faster may not be the best path. Taking the path on the right may be longer but it’s the path God wants us to take. In other others, put on the mud boots and be ready to get dirty. We’ll be doing a lot of walking through the mud because this isn’t the easy path, but it’s the RIGHT path.
I became an independent consultant for paparazzi accessories and jewelry on May twenty-ninth. I’m learning the ropes of this business. Having fun with it, and getting to wear beautiful jewelry. Here are some items that I love or have on hand.
If you would like to visit my website please go to
Our enemy has many names. Evil, hatred, damaging, mind stealer, soul picker, and relationship wrecker are just a few. Beautiful, bright, shinning, guider, leader, hope, happiness, a teammate also. I want to share a month I’ve had with the enemy.
The beginning of May, I decided I was going to make some changes in my life. I wanted to grow as an individual not only as an individual but as a wife and mother. I became to turn to my bible for encouraging words and strength. I had always known that God had a plan for me, but what? When my doctors told me I wouldn’t be able to return to the work field, it took me for a real ride. My life became a total wreck, with depression, anxiety attacks, not leaving the house, and find every excuse of why I wouldn’t be at a family function. Eventually, I had to come to my senses. I had to snap out of it, or the enemy would win. Truthfully, the enemy had won, I gave up on myself, and ran from God. Doing things my way got me nowhere. I was in the dark days and didn’t realize it myself. I thought those were the best days, so beautiful and carefree.
Reality hit with me when I finally was paying attention. I was tired of running and finding that at each corner I was right where I had started. But I was comfortable. It fit like a shoe, just the right size. But it was time to grow out of the well-fitted shoe and find a bigger size. I knew it would be a struggle and lots of what am I doing, is this what I’m to be doing moments. I had prayed for so long, but not continually, just when I felt like I needed too. I knew my family and friends were praying for me and asking for God to show me the way, His way.
The beginning of May, I took the first step to try on a bigger shoe. I knew it wouldn’t fit, and I would have room to grow. I knew God had given me the light to the path I had longed to have. The prayers that I had asked for years ago and even months ago were finally in front of me. But I first had to believe in myself and mostly believe in God. I had to step out of my small shoes and take the first step in my new bigger shoes. Wow, scary I won’t lie. But yet so exciting at the same time.
I had made arrangments to meet with a gal, whom I had never met. We both live in the same small area of Indiana, but never knew her name or where she lived. I contacted her via facebook messager and made planned a day and time to meet one another. Yes, I had to take another step in my new shoe’s, going to her home. A strangers home at that. As I sat in my car for a few moments to gather my thoughts and to get the courage to go to the door, I began praying. Yes, I was second-guessing God’s word and path. I could turn around and leave, message the gal and tell her I couldn’t make it. And never show my face again when she was in my presences. NOPE, I stood with God and did what he sent me to do.
The gal came to the door and welcomed me in. At this point, I would have been sweating as if it were 100 degree’s outside. Stumbling over words and trying not to be shy. God was right there, all the way. I wasn’t scared, nervous, or even shy. I went into the home we sat at the table and began to talk. I had questions already written down to ask. SO not like me! Surprisingly the written questions weren’t needed. As we were talking learned that we both have issues with shyness, anxiety, depression, and we both are homebodies and believed in God.
Once we became comfortable with one another, we began to talk business. God had a plan. A plan with the new shoes. I would be able to work from home, work when I felt the best, and to meet new people. I would be able to stay connected to the gal I met. She would become my leader, my guide, the person I would turn to when the corners became rough. Or when the shoes were falling off rather than letting me grow into them. She too believes in God, God’s word, and his guiding hand. So where does the enemy come into play?
As weeks went by after meeting with the gal, I began to feel fear, wanting to run, turning my back on God. The more I said, to the enemy, “You won’t take this from me, I won’t let you.” The enemy worked even harder on me. He offered me new shoes with lots of bright colors. They fit like a glove. Tight in all the right places but loose in enough for growth. I tried those shoes on for a few days. But returning them because they weren’t the shoes God gave me. They didn’t have enough room to grow into the way God wants me to grow into them.
The enemy came back with revenge. It became harder and harder for me to focus on God’s word each day. God’s words were being to feel false, not true. The words of the enemy were so much stronger. So strong that I began to feel weak and scared. I turned to my family and friends for words and strength. Words that would put the enemy in its place and to let me grow in Gods path. My strength became stronger and stronger. My happiness became brighter and brighter. My courage became so real that I knew God was with me all the way.
On May 26th, I signed on as a Paparazzi Consultant. I was taking the path that God had planned for me for so long. But his timing is everything. I was so excited about taking this new step in my NEW SHOES. I began planning things out, coming up with ideas, a budget, where did I want to be in a month or even a year. My niece and I met on May 29th to do the final steps before I could begin my path. In just a few days the enemy struck again, like a tornado. In hopes of being powerful, the enemy throws the trump card. I played the “GOD” card.
I was playing hardball with the enemy. I was the batter making home run hits. God as my coach, I was able to hit the ball harder and farther. I had lots of running to do on May 30th. But God told me what I had to do. I turned to him when I began to panic. I asked God to calm my heart and to settle my thinking. As opened the doors to the bank thoughts of what I would say were everywhere. I had to close the account I just opened a week ago. The enemy had his workers working over time. But his overtime workers didn’t get the best of me. As I told the bank teller my account had been hacked I help my head high. God soothed me as I wanted to cry. As night came, I began to get lost again in my thoughts. Once again doubting God. Words started coming out of my mouth, words I knew God was giving me. Words as if I were standing in front of the enemy. I began to state I wouldn’t let the enemy win. That this is God’s plan, I was going to do what God wanted. I began to dance and sing. My singing isn’t on key, and my dance moves are just as bad. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying the presence of GOD.
Friday is a new day!!! I take the twenty-five-minute drive to the bank once again. As I sat down to begin the process of opening a new account, all I did was started laughing. God had prepared the accountant of the mess I had just the day before. Today went smoothly at the bank. Now on my way home was completely different. There was almost a wreck of five or six cars. With me almost being rear-ended, pushing me into the car in from of me causing a chain reaction. All of this because of a driver who decided they needed to make U-turn because they needed to go the other direction. I came just hairs from hitting the car in front of me. Seeing the car behind me coming just as close to me. I began praying that God would get me home. I asked for a reminder to go another way home.
I know I have many more enemy battles, and I know God will be my Trump Card!!!
Being a mother is hard work. We bring children into the world to love and protect from harm. All we want is to love our children, to watch them grow up and become parents themselves. Young mother’s don’t think about becoming grandparents, nor aunts. We are focused on our babies. Making sure they’re fed, cleaned, warm, and have a home. We creep into the bedrooms of our children hours after they have fallen asleep, to thank God for that day and pray for the next day. We want to be with our children all the time. Not to be an airplane or an overprotected mother, or to not let our children grow up. We want to love the child God had created for us.
Mother’s understand that our children don’t want us to be the momma bird for the rest of their lives. We don’t want to be the momma bird either. In all honesty, we want to see you take that first flight out of the nest. Our hope for you is that you have taken in all the lessons we’ve taught you, that includes the bad. Why the bad, so you can see that we too make mistakes. What you’re missing is when we beat ourselves to death about our mistakes. When we see you doing the same as us, we know we didn’t do the job correctly. We tell ourselves all through the pregnancy that we won’t be like our parents. But in the end, we do just that. Our habits are like hammy downs. Toren and frayed ripped and stained all passed along to the children.
We try to mend the broken only to find we are the broken. We are worse than the hammy downs. We aren’t fixable. We are aware of this by seeing our children with other mother’s. We are aware of this as our children no longer have anything to do with us. Punished for our actions, the actions we were taught. We search to figure out what action it was that ended a relationship with our child. Our minds are in falling apart. The files in our brains have been dropped and spread throughout our thoughts. We work hard to sort and find the mistake, but only to find that’s not the right one. So we continue to beat ourselves to nothing because we have failed our children, not only our children but ourselves. We want to be that mom everyone wants to be around, we dream it. Only to be dreaming of a nightmare. A nightmare that never leaves us. Our nightmares keep us awake all through the night and our days begin to darken.
As we weep and fall to our knees praying to God, that he will shine a light on our darkened days. To bring our children back, to allow us to show a change in one way or another. To heal the broken, and forgive us of our sins. We ask ourselves, do we deserve forgiveness? Do we deserve a second chance? Have we prayed enough? In our hearts, do we believe God is our savior? Did we raise our children in a Christ-like way? He is to be our strength, our drive, our hope, and our leader. The enemy sugar-coats our feelings. Making us believe we are worthless. Worthless sets in and become just that worthless. We aren’t worthy of anything, not even our children. Mother’s that are valuable will be sought out. The broken will be left to die alone with the pain they’ve carried all this time. Only to beg one last time before their last breath to be please forgive us.
On judgment day, we fall about to our knees praying for forgiveness, and once again have our children be about of us. To allow us to make our mistakes but still love us for who are. Human. Not a piece of trash that is no longer needed.
When All You Want Is Your MOTHER
On this day, all I want is my mother. I long for her voice, her hand, to fall into her lap and cry. To tell her I’m the problem, the reason she doesn’t get to see her grandchildren nor their children. I’m the reason the family is a trainwreck. And that I failed her as a mother. My mother did her very best with us kids. I only knew what I had seen. I thought my mother did a hell of a job raising three children on her own. Somewhere along the line, I didn’t get that lesson. The lesson I received was I wasn’t worthy. I wasn’t good enough and that I was the problem and the blame. I still want my mom. For her to hold me, tell me things would be okay only to know she would walk away again. The cycle continues.
Living with anxiety can put a bit damper on your life. For me, it can be very challenging. I’m not sure what to say when I want to say something. I don’t know how to act, even though I’ve tried so hard to act normal. I become a clam, hidden in the shell, not peaking out. I don’t want to see the outcome. Outcomes are even harder even if they are good or bad. I can pep talk myself through situations, but I can still have anxiety attacks. Those attacks steal the words from my mouth. My brain becomes puzzled from the loss of words. My eyes become blinded, afraid to see, what is going on in front of them. My body becomes weak and lazy wore out from the stress. All I want to do is say what I want to say, and have the answers I want to hear. But that’s a fairy tail in life. Or is it?
The Bible says:
Philippians 2:28-30 So I am all the more anxious to send him back to you, for I know you will be glad to see him, and that will lighten all my cares. Welcome him with Christian love and with great joy, and be sure to honor people like him. For he risked his life for the work of Christ, and he was at the point of death while trying to do for me the things you couldn’t do because you were far away.
I find myself even afraid of God. I second guess my thoughts and trust with God. I want to do what God wants me to do. Whatever it may be, could be right in front of me, and I’ll second guess his words. I could have prayed for something for months or years. And what I have prayed for could be right in front of me, and I’ll doubt the words he is speaking to me.
What does the Bible say about Doubt?
Matthew 14: 25-32 About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came to them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him, they screamed in terror, thinking he was a ghost. But Jesus spoke to them at once. “It’s all right,” he said. “I am here! Don’t be afraid.” Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you by walking on the water.” “All right, come,” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on water toward Jesus. But when he looked around at the high waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Instantly Jesus reached out his hand and grabbed him. “You don’t have much faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you bought me?” And when they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped.
Sounds just like me, I’m afraid I’ll sink. That the winds will continue to blow like a wind storm. How do we get away from the enemy of Anxiety?
What’s the Bible tell us to do?
Matthew 5: 43-45 “You have heard that the law of Moses says, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust, too. If you love only those who love you, what good is that?”
So I ask God, I’m to love this Anxiety, these panic attacks, second thoughts, and those doubts? What! I’m very confused now. Do I walk towards the boat or towards the enemy? I need to learn to listen to my ears and come out of the shell. To not be afraid of what I want to talk about, what I want to do, how I want to grow and build better for my family.
In Psalms 71:2 says Rescue me! Save me from my enemy, for you are just. Turn your ear to listen and set me free.
Or maybe this speaks clearly to me
Matthew 13:15-16 For the hears of these people are hardened, and their ears cannot hear, and they have closed their eyes-so their eyes cannot see, and their ears cannot hear and their hearts cannot understand, and they cannot turn to me and let me heal them.” But blessed are your eyes because they see; and your ears, because they hear. I assure you, many prophets and godly people have longed to see and hear what you have to seen and heard, but they could not.
Matthew 10:27 “What I tell you now in the darkness, shout abroad when daybreak comes. What I whisper in your ears, shout from the housetops for all to hear!”
OH, how I long to shout from the rooftop of me becoming someone and being able to help provide for our family. I’m excited to grow and I’m ready but afraid to take the next step. That step is asking for help. How can I be afraid to ask for help, how could this be? I shouldn’t be afraid to share what I feel God is putting in front of me and to ask for help. I shouldn’t feel this way if I trust in the Lord. Is the enemy myself? Am I fighting myself, and afraid I’m not to do this? But if I’m afraid, why do I get excited when I talk about it, get excited when I think about it?
Isaiah 8:13 says: Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear him, you need fear nothing else. He will keep you safe.
Isaiah 8:13 says:
Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear him, you need fear nothing else. He will keep you safe.
Matthew 2:7 The Herod sent a private message to the wise man, asking them to come see him. At the meeting, he learned the exact time when they first saw the star. Then he told them, “Go to Bethlehem and search carefully for the child. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him, too. After this interview the wise men went their way. Once again the star appeared to them, guiding them to Bethlehem. It went ahead of them and stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were filled with joy! The entered the house where the child and mother, Mary, were, and they fell down before him and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasure chests and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
Fine and Dandy means so much more those two words. The first time I heard “Fine and Dandy,” I just wanted to laugh. It all started in nineteen eighty-five. I met a lady for the first time and fell in love as soon as I set eyes on her. She was just as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. She loved riding dirt bikes, sled riding, fishing, boating, flowers, 4-H, and her number one love was FAMILY. But would have I thought a Grandmother would to do all of those things? I would have told you no, or are you kidding me. She lived a life full of adventures. There is one adventure that sticks in my mind. She had decided she was getting married, she did just that, ran away and married the man of her life. Through all the hards, the good times, side by side the stuck together for sixty-seven years. I hadn’t seen love until I saw the love this couple had for one another. They had a crazy kind of love. Willing to count each bean seed or each corn kernel to know how many plants would be harvest in the fall. For me, this was not “Fine and Dandy.” After losing count after the ten millionth time, I gave up.
If you had a question about plants or flowers, she had the answer. If you had doughts about a birds names, she had the answer. She had the concoction to get rid of poison ivy. Maybe you even had a question about what bait to use for fishing yep she had that answer too. She had the number of sugar cubes needed to make your hot tea taste “Fine and Dandy.” She did have her peeves. There would be hair hanging in your face. Why? She couldn’t see your beautiful eyes. OH, if you didn’t have something to pull the hair back, she had something for that too. Which would follow with a now that’s “Fine and Dandy.” There were to be NO hats worn at the table. Why? RUDE! Everything had it’s home. You get it out you put it away.
She loved her community. If there was an activity or club, she was in it. She was a busy mother with three children. A husband who farmed and also was on different boards which kept him busy. She had eight grandchildren, nineteen great-grandchildren, and four great-grandchildren, all that kept her on toes. She also knew the rules for Basketball, so sometime’s she had to say what she knew (Not Fine and Dandy). She was grade cheerleader it didn’t matter if you were family or not you where getting cheered on.
I’ll share another little story with you. It took place in June nineteen eighty-seven. The night before my wedding day, the day of my life. I was excited to be part of the family that I had learned to love. A family that had excepted me for who I was and am, a young gal with lots of bangs and buries on her heart. As the rehearsal night was coming to an end, my mother was upset. Not with me, but took it out on me. She took my wedding dress and refused to let me have it for my wedding day (the very next day). My mother in law to be called this fine lady, asking her to get her wedding dress out that I needed it. Her words, “Yes, I do my best. If I can’t, getting married in jeans and a nice blouse (as they called them back then) will be “Fine and Dandy.” The outcome? I was able to get my wedding dress from my mother and the day went on as planned.
This free-spirited lady was my husband Grandmother, Gramma. Ms. Fine and Dandy lived a fulfilling life here on earth for ninety-six years. She is now at rest with her runaway husband. She is even more “Fine and Dandy.” We will all have beautiful memories of the times we each shared with her. We will see her through the lessons she’s taught us, the cheers that shout from the sidelines, the blooms of flowers, the sound of the bait hitting the water, the giggles we sled ride, the smell in the air at the fair, and hear peace from the chirping of the birds.
We love and miss you and Grandpa, but we know you are Fine and Dandy and we will meet again. Rest in Peace.