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Trying to keep it together in the public.

I try very hard to be gentle on myself and my thoughts. When stress sets in, my thoughts and feelings start to get out of control. I then try even harder to contain and control those feelings. Makes for a spiralling effect. The high amount of stress cause, burning pain on my arms, legs, shoulder blades, neck, ears, and head. My legs and arms will become unmovable, very weak and there are times where I feel paralyzed. I become nonviable, only being able to hear and see. I’ve had seizure-like activity also. I had Bells Palsy 6 years ago, which I ended up in the ER. I was finally diagnosed with Conversion Disorder or Psychological Non-Epileptic Seizures. This was after years of testing, MRI’s EEG’s, EKG’s label work, hospital stays, 5 different neurologist’s. And a lot of, “This is all in your head, there’s nothing wrong with you, we can’t find anything on that shows something is wrong with you.

All these reactions are caused by stress, fear, depression, PTSD, physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. Living with these disorders can be challenging at times. I’ve been blessed with a Psychiatrist, that I’ve had for the last 11-12 years. My Psychiatrist helps me with my medication, depression, and finding other ways to deal with the life I’ve been dealt. Psychiatrist appointments every 3 months needed or not, phone calls if needed before the appointments. I’ve also had years of Professional Clinical Counselling with a wonderful lady. She had been with me from the beginning of when I first became Suicidal. With her, I was able to open up and share my life, with each detail. We had tried many technics, meditating, journaling, diets, sorting the files in my brain and tappers which medically called Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT. My counselor retired last year, how am I doing? I’m doing great, putting all those technics to use.

Meditation: The first time I tried this it brought me to tears, my crying was out of control. I had never felt so relaxed, comfortable in my own skin. My mind was weightless, I had no care in the world. It seemed as though I had never had time to do the meditating. Or maybe I wasn’t really ready to heal or totally afraid. I’m going with Totally Afraid. So I stopped withe meditations .

Journaling: This was something I really enjoyed. Buying the cute and pretty journals and fancy pens, made for it to be even more enjoyable. As time went by I found I was writing pages for just one day. But going nowhere with it. I had written letters to all my abusers, and my angry thoughts to help heal. Those letters only got read by me and to my counselor. They were later burnt. There were times I wished I would had sent those to the abusers. But what would of that had caused? After a while, I would throw the journals away, which then was a waste of money to me. I didn’t continue this method either.

Dieting eating the correct foods: That was the hardest, I’m a food person junk is a BIG plus for me. That started out really well. Bought all the healthy foods, from fruit, meat, salad, 100% wheat bread, dairy products, you name I bought it. That lasted for 2 weeks maybe 3 weeks, but that was thrown out the door. It drove me more nuts keeping track of what I was eating, and not eating. I tossed this one too.

Sorting and Filing: This has to do with the “Files” in our brains. They are the files that hold all those memories, feelings, smells, textures, sounds, colors, and touches. Everything that your body has had done to it. I worked very very hard at this. For me, it was the key to my healing. I had to refile all the abuse into a file I called, “She’s not that little girl any longer.” Yes, that file, the file I had not shared with anyone. Sometimes not even myself. I was afraid of this file. But I had to be willing to do this if I wanted to heal and live a “normal” life. This was very hard. I had to open files which meant closing doors to my past. The normal life to me which made who I was, had to be put into a file and sealed closed. HARD!

Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT. What is this? This where the therapist will help you connect the right and left the side of your brain as one. On the same rhythm. I had to have a lot of faith in this one. Meaning I had to find a comfort zone or pictures. Something that I could call SAFE. Something that I could always go to when those feeling of fear were there or arose again. For me, I found that the ocean with dolphins swimming was saving grace place. Shortly before we began the first session I had gone and got a tattoo. Why?, I knew I wanted my Safe place with me at all times. I had it put on my back. Some say a Tramp Stamp, I say, my Saving Stamp, It had my back at all times good or bad. We began the session with me sitting in a comfy chair, a tapper in each hand, eyes closed, and my counselor walking me through the steps. Lets’ go back to when you were age 2, what happened then, (I’ll share that at some other point), we went through every file that had been damaged. My Counselor had told me we could stop at any time. After a few months of this, we had finally found what worked for me. WINNER!

My life isn’t 100% healed, I work on it every day. I still have my setbacks and hiccups but I push through. But without my support of my family, and the few friends I have I wouldn’t be where I’m at today. Thank You…

I do not take credit for the pictures or quote posted.

Author:

Wife of 30 years to my high school sweetheart Jon. Mother of 2 adult children, grandmother of 2 granddaughters. Pet lover of 6 dogs, 2 fish and 1 cat. I love genealogy and learning more about my ancestries. I like paying it forward through genealogy also. In enjoy crafts, reading, shopping, antiques and much more.

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