Destroys, Every, Part Of Our Body, Right Before Our, Eyes, Seeing What We, See, Is An, On-Going Battle And, Never Stops- The Story.
When I wrote this, it was in the darkest part of my life. This took place January 2018. I was dealing with depression at its highest. I was learning to accept things for what they were and how was I going to deal with it?
My thoughts were all over the place. Do I confront the issue, do I run from it, do I just say nothing at all or do I take my own life? My first thought was, “Just let me tell my side please.” My second thought was, “I can run from this, I don’t have to look at it again.” My third thought was, “I can sit here and say nothing at all and move forward.” Or my final thought, “I don’t belong here on earth, who needs someone like me, what do I have to offer, why is this happening to me?”
January 2018, I had felt I had no reason to be here on earth. Even though I had a loving, supportive, caring, hero, smarts, of a Husband. A Daughter, who is strong, beautiful, caring, supportive, smart, a go get her kind of girl, I still didn’t think I belonged. This Month was hard. It’s my mother’s birthday month.
Yes, My mother is living. But our relationship had gone south so to speak. I was my mother’s caretaker for a year and some months. I had seen her on her death bed, praying she would make it. I lived in the hospital away from my family months. I never asked for anything but to heal my mother. I have two siblings, and beings they both worked 3rd shift and I didn’t work due to my own health issue’s, I thought it’d be best for me to do the caretaking. I did the appointment setting, taking to and from doctors, to the stores, making sure she was eating correctly, bathing, asking those questions you don’t think you would ever have to ask the doctors. Will she be able to drive again, or even live totally independently? I learn real fast, this was going to be a process, baby steps, and lots of fall backs.
My first fallback, tell my mother, she had a stroke. My second, telling her she needed surgery to help prevent more strokes. My third, and may more fallbacks, trying to help her to understand money, medicine, who to trust who not to true, why we had to see the doctors, why couldn’t she drive, why couldn’t she be totally independent. But I had hope, I knew with hard work and determination, we would face these fallbacks face to face. We would do what we had to get her independence back. After a year of doctors appointments, blood work, physical therapy, medicine adjustments, multiple trips to the ER, we finally started seeing some changes. We were on the right track. I was praising the Lord for these prayers that were being answered. My energy was running low, and relationship with my husband was getting lost in the situation.
Just shy of 1 year and a few months, my caretaking came to a fast stop. I was informed that I was no longer needed, or wanted, or even wanted to be looked at. I had lost my mother and my siblings. I had been lied to, and taking advantage of. I had thought I was doing the best for our mother. I had been told I was the best for this job since I could read, write, be on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week, understand doctor’s appointments and boy does that list go on. I just couldn’t believe my ears, better yet my heart. I felt my heart complete stop, and just crumble to pieces. I thought I was just dreaming and this would go away. It didn’t, it got worse.
I had to learn to live without my mother and my siblings. I had to learn to live a life as normal as I could. I had work hard on my marriage, my relationship with my daughter, and find someone I could turn to. That’s when My Journal came into play. I will share what I wrote on just one of the day’s I wanted to take my life. It will be all over the place for warn.
You begin to yell, scream, cry and pray. I do all these and still never get an answer. Your searching for the answer for yourself and still come up with an empty hand, but a killer headache, broken heart, and lost more than ever. But you keep pushing and hoping to hang in there just one more day, for just a piece of hope. I have lost all hope, in myself, my family, my everything. Then I ask, who is our voice? Who tells the story when we can’t, who stands up for us when we can’t stand ourselves. Who tells them that they have destroyed your life enough? When is ENOUGH, ENOUGH?
My mind is worn out, it has no more blood to keep it going. It is totally drained, nothing empty. My brain is tired I can’t remember simple things. I’m done, just done. Those thoughts of, “Why am I here.” start to surface. Why do I need to continue this, who is my voice, and on and on.
Then it hits me….I knew this game I was playing, was not with myself, but my mother and siblings. We all know the dress up game, we have so many outfits in the closet that we can change into. It was then that I put on my shield, my Knight’s outfit and I was going to get through this. And that I did. I’m still here as you can tell. For the relationship with my mother and siblings, there is no more, for my husband and daughter we are a hell of a team. We pushed together, cried together, ask for prayers and prayed together, and here we are today. Living our lives to the fullest that they can be. Our daughter is to get married next December. Something I would had missed if I wouldn’t be here today.